Positive Discipline- the First Three Years Read online

  According to Ross A. Thompson,2 young children learn best when they are unstressed and when they live in a reasonably stimulating environment—and, yes, pots and pans are very stimulating. Thompson believes that special stimulation, such as videos and other academic learning tools, is unnecessary (sorry, Martin and Rosalie); in fact, what children really need to grow and develop is unhurried time with caring adults, people who will focus on the child and follow his cues without distraction or expectations (keep it up, Jeff and Carol). Remember, both parents and other caregivers can provide this sort of child-centered interaction. It is important to note that this does not mean allowing children to rule the home.

  Miraculous Mirror Neurons

  Have you ever wondered how your baby learns to clap his hands, wave bye-bye, or “gimme five”? Researchers describe the presence in the human brain of “mirror neurons,” which perceive physical action, facial expression, and emotion and prepare the brain to duplicate what it “sees.” When you play peekaboo with your baby, his mirror neurons help him figure out how to imitate you. In the same way, when you are angry, excited, or anxious, his mirror neurons will “catch” your emotion and create that same feeling within him. Mirror neurons help explain why we weep, laugh, or get angry with each other so easily. It also explains why what you do (the behavior you model) as a parent is so much more powerful than your words in teaching your child. By the way, mirror neurons work in both directions. If you are calm when dealing with your little one, he is more likely to be calm as well, a helpful idea to remember when the inevitable tantrums occur!

  THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTACHMENT

  When you connect well with your child—when you recognize and respond to his signals, offer love and belonging, and allow your little one to develop a sense of trust and security—you help your child develop what is called a “secure attachment.” This may well be what Rudolf Dreikurs identified as a strong sense of “belonging.” Securely attached children connect well with themselves and with others and have the best opportunity to develop healthy, balanced relationships. They are also far more likely to acquire the social, emotional, and intellectual skills parents hope their children will have. It is interesting to note that researchers such as Mary Main have discovered that the best predictor of a child’s sense of attachment is her parent’s level of attachment to his or her own family growing up.3 How you understand and make sense of your own history and experiences has a direct effect on your growing child.4

  For the moment, however, be aware that there is nothing more important you can give your little one than a strong relationship with you, one built on love, trust, and unconditional acceptance—even when her behavior presents you with challenges. This book will equip you with many practical tools to guide your child’s behavior, but there is no substitute for genuine connection.

  Long-Term Benefits of Healthy Attachment

  Studies that have followed children from infancy to adulthood tell us that healthy attachment is the strongest predictor of many important qualities. Children who have healthy attachments will:

  • Be more motivated to learn

  • Do better in school

  • Have more confidence and sense of self-worth

  • Develop good problem-solving skills

  • Form healthier relationships

  • Become more self-reliant

  • Cope with stress and manage frustration well

  (From Early Moments Matter: Small Steps, Long-Lasting Effects, www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife)

  HOW TO NURTURE A GROWING BRAIN—AND THE CHILD WHO OWNS IT

  A young child’s flexible brain has the ability to adapt to many different environments and situations. What he learns in his first years determines which synapses the brain will keep and which will be lost. Abuse or neglect in the early years of a child’s life may damage her ability to trust and connect with others. On the other hand, children whose early experiences are happy and healthy will build into their growing brains qualities and perceptions that will help them thrive.

  Many of the recommendations experts now make are steps wise parents have taken instinctively from the beginning of time. When you understand the true importance of these ways of nurturing a baby, however, you can do them consciously, with confidence that you are providing exactly what your little one most needs from you.

  What should parents know? What can you do to give your child a healthy brain—and a healthy life?

  The Impact of Trauma

  There are times when a young child’s life is not the peaceful ideal parents dream of. Infants and toddlers can experience stress; sometimes they are exposed to injury, fear, or violence in their homes or communities. Sometimes they must deal with medical treatment or hospitalizations that are frightening or painful. These physically or emotionally stressful experiences are known as trauma, and they can have deep impacts on a child’s emotional development.

  Children exposed to trauma may have difficulty falling asleep, or they may have nightmares. They may seem anxious or withdrawn and may cling to parents and caregivers. They may have violent tantrums triggered by something that seems meaningless to you, such as not getting the particular cup they wanted. They may talk frequently about what they have witnessed, and act it out repetitively with toys or other people. Or they might shut down and refuse to show emotion. Their ability to relax, to learn, and to focus on skills and ideas may be impacted.

  Remember: the brain is resilient, and given a safe environment, most children and adults can recover from trauma. The best “medicine” is the presence of patient, loving caregivers who can provide the trust, security, and connection the child needs—for as long as he needs it. It is also important to remove the cause of the stress or violence as soon as possible. Always ask for help, for you and for your child, when you need it.

  RESPOND TO YOUR BABY’S CUES

  Responding when a baby cries—providing food, a clean diaper, or a snuggle—is important in helping that baby learn trust, perhaps the most vital early lesson. Parents can respond to an infant’s kicking legs and waving fists, smiling back or playing finger games when he is eager for stimulation; and they can learn to recognize when a baby needs quiet time to nap or just to be still. This sort of connection is called “contingent communication” by brain researchers and is one of the most important ingredients in early brain development. (It is also one of the few parenting skills that crosses all cultures.) Learning to hear, interpret, and respond appropriately to your baby’s cues is one of your first and most important parenting tasks. Parents who can attune themselves to their little one’s signals and needs are well on their way to building a strong relationship.

  Your baby will let you know his preferences—what he needs and when—and the more time you spend with him the easier it will become to recognize his signals. There is simply no substitute for time and attention, and children who have the opportunity to bond well with parents find it easier to get along with others and to be comfortable in their world as they grow up. When time with parents is limited, whether through work and childcare, health needs, or other family changes, the type of caregiving is even more important. All caregivers, related or not, need to focus on nurturing connections.5

  Spending time with your baby, responding to his cues, and nurturing a healthy connection are not the same thing as pampering. Pampering, sometimes called “spoiling,” makes your child dependent on you. As you will learn, it is important to meet all of your child’s needs for love and basic care, but it can be harmful to give in to all her wants. As you gain information and knowledge, remember to access your heart and inner wisdom to find the balance of interaction that is respectful and healthy for you and your child.

  TOUCH, SPEAK, AND SING

  Studies have shown that babies who are touched, massaged, and held often are less irritable and gain weight more quickly. Holding, rocking, and cuddling a child communicates love and acceptance perhaps better than anything else. Babies, toddlers, even parents need
hugs, and a loving hug may be all the “help” your little one needs for many of life’s small crises.

  Many adults are not comfortable with physical touch. Many weren’t hugged or touched themselves, or perhaps the touching happened in the wrong way. Fathers, especially, may feel uncomfortable touching or hugging their children and sometimes substitute roughhousing and wrestling (which can be lots of fun) for snuggling and affection.

  While touch helps your little one attach to you, and provides both comfort and stimulation, it should always happen in the right way and at the right time. Asking an older child, “Would you like a hug?” or “May I give you a hug?” will help give them a sense of control over their bodies.

  Speaking, too, is important. What grown-up can resist cooing gentle words to a newborn? Talking and reading to infants and young children who obviously can’t yet understand your words may not seem important, but these “conversations” stimulate the parts of a child’s brain responsible for speech and language development.

  Remember that while repetition may be boring to you, it isn’t to your child. Babies and toddlers learn through repetition, which is why routines are such an effective and important teaching tool for this age group. You may think you cannot endure reading Pat the Bunny one more time—but your little one will remain delighted with the sounds and touchable textures of this old favorite for months. Knowing that you are shaping a healthy brain may give you the patience it takes to tell favorite stories over and over again. Incidentally, television does not have the same effect on babies and toddlers as real speech. Television and screen animation are not conversation, and their frantic, flashy structure may negatively affect a child’s attention span and ability to listen. There is no substitute for talking to a child, and no better way for her to learn.

  Music also appears to have a powerful influence on growing brains. While little Megan may not care whether it’s Mozart or “Silly Songs” she hears, the melody and rhythm will affect her. Music seems to stimulate creativity; our hearts and brain waves tend to speed up and slow down to match the pace of the music we’re listening to. In fact, gently bouncing your baby on your lap while you sing or listen to music actually helps wire his brain to “hear” rhythm. There can be few things as delightful as watching a dancing toddler, bouncing to the strains of a classic Hokey Pokey or wiggling to a more contemporary favorite. Don’t rely only on recorded music, either. Sing to your young child. (Yes, you can sing—your toddler isn’t a critic!) At first, you will sing alone, but before long your toddler will be yodeling along. It isn’t noise: It’s the sound of healthy brains growing!

  Remember, music also soothes. Soft, gentle sounds are as relaxing to children as they are to adults. At rest time or before bedtime, try playing soothing music and watch how your busy baby will begin to slow down and become calm. (Gentle music is a great way to ease into rest periods at childcare programs, too.)

  PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO PLAY—AND PLAY ALONG

  In these days of busy parents and overburdened caregivers, confinement in infant seats and playpens and time spent in front of a screen often substitute for play. But babies and toddlers are just discovering their bodies—and just forming the vital connections that link brain with action. They are developing their motor control and learning about textures and gravity. They need the opportunity to play actively.

  Play truly is a child’s work. It is how she experiences her world, learns about relationships, and tries on new roles and personalities. Parents are usually good at taking children places where kids can play—we’re endlessly on the road to gymnastics, “water babies,” or playgroup—but they are often less good at playing themselves, or may believe they don’t have the time.

  Grandparents often comment that one of the joys they have discovered is that of simply playing with their grandchildren, whether it is being a willing “horsie,” gathering flowers and leaves for a fairy hut, or sharing teatime underneath a blanket-covered “fort.” Freed from the daily stresses of juggling work, family, and the care of their own young children, grandparents find they can relax and simply play with their delightful grandbabies.

  Play is an important tool in building a loving and connected relationship with any child. The toys don’t actually have to “do” anything; worthwhile play may mean handing the same brightly colored rattle back and forth and listening to the noise it makes (many, many times). Allow a child to “lead” the play. There is no better way to understand a toddler’s world than to play with him.

  Your child will need lots of opportunities to exercise his imagination and creativity as he grows. (Sometimes that includes time to play alone.) Children can play with—and learn from—the box the toy comes in, or the pots and pans under the sink. Who needs a battery-operated fire engine that makes siren noises when a child can—and should—do that for himself? The old-fashioned, interactive favorites still serve a valuable purpose; provide building blocks, dress-up clothes, a sandbox, and lumps of clay, then watch as your little one discovers the joy of building, touching, and shaping his world. Better yet, play with him. Get down on the floor and build a fort out of sofa cushions, or play a favorite board game (older toddlers love Chutes and Ladders or Candy Land and can play well with only a little help from you); have a water fight or play in the mud. Remember, children learn from all of their senses, and having the opportunity to get messy is a valuable part of play—and learning. (You can always clean up together afterward—and that will be fun, too.) You’ll be creating special memories and a bond with your child that both of you will treasure, as well as growing vital connections in his brain.

  ENCOURAGE CURIOSITY AND SAFE EXPLORATION

  Infant seats, baby swings, and playpens may be helpful when you need some free time, but your active toddler needs time and space to work on her sense of autonomy and initiative, and there’s no better way than being allowed to roam and explore the house, the yard, or the neighborhood park—with your supervision, of course. (See Chapter 8 for more on autonomy—and childproofing.)

  A child’s brain grows and is stimulated best by things that she is actively interested in. If your little one shows curiosity about colors and paints, animals, or big trucks, you’ll be helping her brain develop by finding ways to explore what she most wants to learn about. Take time to discover what makes your little one sparkle, then create opportunities to explore.

  ALLOW PRIVATE TIME FOR YOUR BABY

  Please don’t get the impression that your baby needs constant stimulation. Babies need private time to explore by themselves. When you see an infant staring at his fingers or playing with his toes, he is exploring. Many babies are content to sit in their infant seats and follow you with their eyes as you occupy yourself with other tasks.

  As usual, the key word is “balance.” It is good to provide stimulation—talking, cooing, and singing—but not all the time. Overstimulation can actually make a baby crabby, and too much stimulation can be counterproductive for optimal brain development. If your baby turns his face away from you while you’re playing or talking, he may be letting you know that he needs some “quiet time” to rest and regroup. Remember, however, that all babies are not alike. Some are more content with quiet play and calm time than others.

  When It’s More Than Just the “Baby Blues”

  Most mothers experience some emotional dips and swings in the months after giving birth, but a surprising number of mothers experience depression severe enough to interfere with their ability to function and enjoy life. Postpartum depression is no one’s fault—but it can have a serious impact on a mother’s health and on her child’s development.

  Postpartum depression can interfere with a mother’s ability to enjoy her infant and to respond to cues and signals. Depressed mothers often feel unusually tired and sad, and may be easily irritated or angered by their child’s needs. Depression interferes with sleep and appetite; depressed moms may be distracted, and may avoid other people or going out. Depression has serious implications for babie
s, too: Infants of depressed mothers may become irritable and hard to soothe, be delayed in their speech and development, and eventually develop behavior problems.

  If you recognize any symptoms of depression in yourself, please ask for help. There are many ways to treat depression, and life can become much easier with support for you and your little one.

  USE DISCIPLINE TO TEACH—NEVER SHAKE OR HIT

  Growing brains are extremely fragile. Every day an infant dies or is permanently disabled by being shaken or hit by an angry, frustrated adult. “I would never hurt my baby,” you may be saying, but it may come as a surprise to you to learn that harsh criticism, punishment, or shaming may also damage a child’s brain and ability to trust you. Remember, those connections that are used most will become permanent; those not used will be lost. All parents make mistakes, and all parents will experience the intense frustration and exhaustion that happen sometimes when you share your life with very young children. When you are aware of the long-term effects of the way you treat your child, you can make choices that will not only teach and provide the structure she needs but allow her to learn that she does belong and have significance—lessons that will last a lifetime.

  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

  How, you may be wondering, do my health and state of mind affect my child’s brain? Parents and caregivers are the most important people in a young child’s life. The quality of what you have to offer is often affected by your own all-too-human moods and emotions. Stress, exhaustion, or worry affect the way you interact with your baby or toddler—and, consequently, the way she perceives you and herself.